No Need For A Sniper Kitten
by SquirrelOfHope
Summary: A shipwreck brings a pesky mummy and possibly a vampire to the island, but it's still business as usual.
1. Chapter 1

**No Need For A Sniper Kitten**

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

One fabulous night during the monsoon season, a large freighter ran aground at the Cove. This happened all the time on Destiny Island, and these became special events for the community…

"_SALVAGE PARTY! WOOHOO!_" the pirates cried the next morning when news of the wreck reached the Blue Parrot. Everyone in town gleefully converged on the Cove and viciously hacked away at the hull to get at the goods. The children would be very put out that their special place had been taken over by adults when they got out of school.

"Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, this man is still alive people!" Dr. Unne waved the looting pirates away from the wreck's sole survivor. The man had very little time left, and so the doctor tried to make him comfortable.

"Thank you," the man breathed. He shuddered.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Unne said. "I can't help you."

"I know. There was…" the man coughed. "Someone else… on..." his eyes glazed over.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Chappu watched his older brother joking with the guys on the team. It really pissed him off that the townies (the kids who lived in Pravoka) so easily forgot all about Wakka's "unfortunate zip code," while he and the rest of the kids from Destiny Island were regarded with more than a little bit of pity and sometimes fear.

As usual, the other kids from Destiny Island were hanging around the practice field. The ferry didn't come until the after-school activities were over.

Sora was busy sanding the wooden duck he made in woodcarving class. Kairi and Selphie were whispering over a technology magazine. Tidus was… digging a hole to the other side of the earth (what's with that kid?) Riku sat by himself stitching.

"What are you making?" he asked him curiously.

"A new slipcover for the couch," Riku said proudly.

"Why?"

"Because it'll match the curtains then," he said as though that were the most obvious answer in the world.

"But I like your couch."

"This'll make it look like a whole new couch."

"But then we won't get to see the real couch, the one we all fell in love with." Riku looked at him as though he flipped.

"It's not _that_ spectacular."

"Yes it is. Why does everything have to match, anyway?" Chappu plopped down beside him.

"I just like things to look nice," Riku said.

"When are you guys getting back to cooking again?" Chappu asked. Riku always let them eat his assignments while they waited for the ferry.

"Ferry's coming!" Tidus announced. Everyone got up and ready to leave.

Wakka wandered near the group with one of his teammates, a guy named Brewster, or something like that. All Chappu knew was that he was playing through the season with an abdominal hernia and couldn't throw a decent pass because of this injury. Athletes were morons.

"Hey guys!" Wakka said.

"Hey, Wakka," Everyone else echoed.

"Hi," the new guy said, mostly to Kairi, Chappu could see. He could also see Sora subconsciously picking up on Buster's incoming pickup attempt. For now Sora and everyone else smiled politely at the newcomer.

"This is Boomer," Wakka said. _Boomer? _Chappu already wanted to kill him on principal. "I'm gonna be tutoring him."

"I need all the help I can get, or Coach will throw me off the team," Boomer said.

"Ever been to a pirate town?" Tidus asked with a wicked grin.

"Oh, Wakka told me it's not as bad as everyone says," Boomer said.

"That depends on _what_ they're saying," Riku said, already suspicious of Boomer's motives.

* * *

The day a Salvage Party is held is the _worst_ day to try and bring outsiders into town.

The children exited the ferry and saw the entire population of the town dragging all kinds of junk through the streets, looking like so many crazed, foppish, looters (with sabers and guns!) Let's not forget the constant gunfire over the occasional fight, or the celebrating you have to do when you crack open a safe and find its filled with gold ingots.

Boomer shuffled around until he was behind Wakka.

"Aw man, all the good stuff's probably taken by now," Selphie grumbled.

"This doesn't happen every day," Wakka explained to Boomer.

"Yeah, they're usually just loitering," Chappu added. "Hi Captain Peekay!" The brothers waved to the sleazy pirate pushing a cart of televisions into his hold.

"Arr! G'day lads!" the Captain shouted back.

The children dispersed.

"So…" Boomer said on the way home. "Does Kairi have a boyfriend?"

_Say yes,_ Chappu tried to mentally project this thought into his brother's head.

"Nah," Wakka said obliviously, "What do you want to start with today? I was thinking that since there's a geography quiz on Monday we should start with that."

"Um. Okay."

Boomer looked relieved to get away from all the screaming once they got home.

"Aren't you guys just a little scared to live here?" he asked them.

"They don't bother the residents," Wakka said. "That would be rude."

"_Rude?_"

Boomer jumped at the sound of gunfire.

_What a wuss,_ Chappu shook his head and climbed up to their room. He spotted his father at the end of the hallway, putting the good silverware in the family safe.

"What are you doing?"

"Your uncle's comin' to visit."

"Uncle Raijin?"

"Do you have any others?" Dad snapped. He shut the safe and closed the false door over it. "Effin' _in-laws_."

Chappu smiled. Uncle Raijin always brought the best stuff!

"Is he gonna stay long?"

"No."

"What–"

"I don't wanna talk about it!"

"But–"

"No."

"Kay."

"N… … Okay then," Dad went back to work, hiding their valuables.

* * *

"It's good to have one of your friends over for dinner," Dad said.

Boomer smiled winningly at Mom and Dad. Chappu could imagine that people could hear his teeth go "ping!" when they caught the sunlight.

"How'd you get your parents to let you come here?" Chappu asked sullenly. Wakka glared at him.

"I told them I was staying at school for make-up work," Boomer answered matter-of-factly. Chappu caught him staring at Mom's eye patch again and snarled at him.

"You shouldn't lie to your parents, boy," Dad said.

"Of course he should," Chappu said. "You think 'ole Buster here would be allowed to visit us degenerates?"

"Chappu," Mom warned him.

"Sorry, Mom."

"We were startin' to wonder about Wakka," Dad continued.

"Aw, Dad," Wakka protested.

"The only ones we see him with are that little girl, she's a foster kid or something, and that really weird kid next door. Lives all by himself, the poor little thing."

"He does fine," Wakka said. "And Selphie doesn't get into trouble."

"Of course not. It's because my boy's a positive influence," he told Boomer with a little pride.

"Did you get anything good at the Salvage Party?" Chappu changed the subject.

"Did I ever!" Dad beamed. "I got a navigator's head, some new wiring for the bedroom, and this cursed Staff of Anubis!" He held up a solid gold staff that practically glowed green with it's damning powers.

"Is that safe?" Boomer asked, he edged away from the table.

"The Praetor'll knock the curse off for a fee," Dad said and gave Boomer a measuring look. Even he was starting to wonder if this kid had a spine.

"Navigator's head?" Chappu said. "Huh. Does it work?"

"I'm not sure, considering the ship ran aground and all. Maybe I could fix it."

"We better get you to the ferry," Wakka told Boomer, "Or you'll be stuck here all night."

* * *

"Did Mom tell ya that Uncle Raijin was coming to visit?" Chappu asked when they settled in for the night. Wakka looked up from his AP Chemistry, beam from the little miner's lamp attached to his head swung over and blinded Chappu. "Do ya mind?"

"Huh? Uncle Raijin?" Wakka said distantly. "I _wondered_ what happened to all our shiny stuff."

"Hey, the _light!_"

"Sorry. What do you think of Boomer?"

"Definitely up to something," Chappu said. He wouldn't say what, let Mr. Star-Athlete-Most-Popular-Guy-In-School figure it out for himself.

"I think Boomer likes someone on the Island, but who?"

"What makes you think he's after one of the girls," Chappu said. The light swung over again.

"_Quit that!_" Chappu held up a hand to block the light. Wakka looked away again.

"I hope it's not Selphie. She always wants us to approve of every new boyfriend, and the new guy is always "you think you're better than me?" and then things get weird and she gets mad at _me_. I don't know _why_, Tidus is the one who starts the fights."

_Hmm, a fight between Boomer and EC,_ Chappu thought speculatively (EC stood for Evil Chappu, for surely the little doppelganger had been sent by his enemies.)

"Hee hee hee!" he giggled.

"What's so funny?" Wakka asked, blinding Chappu yet again.

"I'm thinking about how I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't stop that!"

"Don't be such a baby!"

Chappu threw his blanket over his brother's head and jumped on him. The fight was on!

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

Tidus inspected his map and then looked over the layout of his yard again.

The grass was trampled down everywhere, quite a feat since no one's mowed it in three months. Every one of his traps had been triggered, even the wolf trap (which didn't really snap shut that hard anymore since the spring mechanism was all rusty.) He clutched his map and looked around nervously.

"Hello?" he called out. "Is there someone out here?"

He picked up his wooden sword and swished it through the tall grass.

Hopefully it wasn't a vampire, he was afraid that one would show up after a shipwreck ever since he read _Dracula._ Why didn't he grab a supply of holy water when he heard the noises in the backyard? Or Garlic, vampires loathed the stuff.

But then, so did he.

Well if there was a vampire out here he wasn't going to hide and wait for it to hunt him down. All the fighting he'd done recently had taught him a few things about evening the odds against taller, older opponents, and he felt confident.

Perhaps... _too confident._

"Show yourself!" he yelled and hopped back and forth. "Come out and fight like a man! I'm ready for ya! Let's go!"

A shadow leaped out of the grass towards him, and with perfect aim he struck back. The vampire fell back lightly. It appeared to reconsider and silently retreated into the shadows, gliding smoothly until it was one with them again.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Tidus crowed. And he dared to try the little stunt he'd been practicing on his own. He flipped his sword into the air, it turned over, once... twice... and then landed point first on his bare foot.

"_Ow! Owie!_ Why did I do that?" He cried over his bruised foot.

"Hmmm, poor baby..." he heard a deep voice say, and it laughed softly. The vampire stood over him! Tidus forgot about his foot and reached for his last weapon, his camera.

"_Prepare to fry!_" he yelled and pressed the shutter. The flash blinded him, but it probably blinded the vampire as well. The vampire screeched, and Tidus took his chance to get out of there.

* * *

A/N: The navigator's head a reference to _The Secret of Monkey Island_, the greatest and funniest pirate game ever made.

The guy with the sports injury is actually me complaining about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. He's my star player on my fantasy team, but he got hurt earlier in the season (a hernia) and he has to either play with the injury or get surgery and not play for the rest of the season. (Aaargh!) And I thought maybe it coulda been their year!


	2. Chapter 2

**No Need For A Sniper Kitten**

**Part II**

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

"Miss Fujin! There's a vampire in my backyard!" Tidus announced when Fujin answered the door. 

"There's no such things as vampires," she said.

"What's all this? You? Look, kid, Wakka can't come out to play– go home!" Wakka's old man tried to shoo him off.

"But there's a vampire!" Tidus tried again.

"Vampires are only make-believe," Fujin said again.

"Now Fujin, don't _lie_ to the boy." Vik slammed the door and turned off the porch light. Tidus looked around fearfully for a moment before running off to the only other person who would believe him.

* * *

"Selphie?" he stage whispered. 

Selphie muttered in her sleep and twitched. One of her curlers popped out of her hair.

"_Selphie?_" he whispered louder and poked her shoulder. She sat up with a gasp.

"Ah! It was just a nightmare…" she wiped the sweat off her face. "Tidus? What are you doing in my room? Wait, let me tell you about my nightmare first!

"There I was, trapped in a spooky mansion in the middle of nowhere with a crazy scientist! And the only link to the outside world was an old computer… with… _dial-up!_" Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Selphie, there's a _vampire_ at my house!"

"A vampire?" Selphie became all business. "What makes you say that?"

"First, there's a mysterious shipwreck."

"It happens all the time around here."

"But there's been a thick, spooky fog over everything for the past two nights!"

"Hardly a credible link, besides, the rain'll take care of the fog."

"Somebody set off all of my traps," he said, "Come look!"

She sighed.

"Well, I might as well now that I'm up." She put on her bathrobe (the new one covered with kittens) and shuddered. "_Dial-up!_ Ugh!"

* * *

"Well, someone was definitely here," Selphie swept her flashlight over the trampled yard. "Why would you think it was a vampire?" she asked Tidus, who looped hundreds of goth-style crosses around his neck. 

"It happened just this way in _Dracula_," he handed her the book.

"I see," she said slowly. "You're a fourth-grader! What are you doing reading things like this? Your poor, overactive imagination can't handle this subject matter." She threw the novel straight into the trash.

"Hey! That belonged to the school library!"

They heard a noise by the refuse pile in the back corner of the yard.

A large (is there any other kind?) shadow rose up and lurched towards them. It looked like a man with a leg in a splint, and blinded too, because he had his arms out in front of him.

"Rrrrgh," the man said. "_RRRRrrrrgh..._"

"Hey you!" Selphie shouted. "You're trespassing! Get out of here!"

The man turned toward Wakka's house and walked right through the privacy fence, smashing it as though it were made out of cardboard. They yelled as he smashed through the first floor window and climbed into the house.

* * *

Chappu shut off the alarm, yawned, and wandered downstairs while scratching himself. He hardly noticed the debris as he stepped over it in his search for some breakfast, and perhaps some of that canned espresso to chase away the grogginess. 

The smashed dining room table posed a bit of a problem, as it blocked the door to the kitchen…

His eyes widened, his body tensed, and he spun around trying to see if there were any ambushes in one of the corners. The whole downstairs looked like it had been hit by a tornado.

"Unbelievable," Dad knocked what was left of the curio cabinet aside, "you boys _can_ sleep through anything!" He _tsk_ed at Chappu.

"What the," Chappu censored himself, "What happened?"

"Oh, a _mummy_ broke in last night and tried to kill me, is all," Dad said dismissively. "Probably wanted this sweet thing!" he held up the Scepter of Anubis. "But he didn't get it, right? 'Cause nobody steals from your old man! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"And Mom?"

"Ah, she's fine. She went out to look for the thing after she chased it off," he looked uncomfortable. "I _helped_ of course."

"Sure," Chappu agreed.

* * *

"I didn't read any books about mummies," Tidus said while they waited at the practice field later that afternoon. "But I saw _The Mummy_ and so I got a kitty!" He opened his backpack and a tiny tortoise-shell kitten slinked out and chewed on the grass. "Her name is Yugi!" 

"Awww!" everybody leaned in to pet the kitty.

Everyone except Chappu, that is, he was too suspicious of E.C. Surely there was some connection between E.C. and the mummy, and he'd find out what it was. Then E.C. would rue the day, positively _rue_ it!

Once again, the dubious-intentioned Boomer joined them at the end of practice.

"Hello, everybody," he said. He got a few weak replies from everyone. "Hello, Kairi," he said nervously. Sora and Riku's mouth's got real small. "I heard that you were working on something at home but you needed a belt sander, so I brought my Dad's!"

"Wow, that's a really nice belt sander," Kairi's eyes lit up. "The Krebstar 3500, 3-inch by 21-inch belt sander! _The Cadillac of power tools_," she said solemnly. Sora and Riku's eyes got narrowed and their mouths disappeared entirely. "_Oh! And there's a new 120-grit belt!_" she squealed. "Thank you!"

"You're _so_ thoughtful, _Boomer_," Chappu smirked.

"Yeah, he's a good guy," Wakka said with complete honesty.

"Belt san_der_! Belt _sa-ha-han-_der!" Kairi sang the entire way home.

"Stupid belt sander!" Sora muttered.

"Don't give in to belt sander envy," Riku said.

"I'm _not,_ Sora said through gritted teeth.

"Hey guys! Lookit my _belt sander_!"

"Look! Uncle Raijin is here!" Chappu pointed excitedly at the low, sleek ship in the harbor. The children ran out into the dock to meet Wakka and Chappu's unusual visiting relative. The boys tackled the large man as he walked down the gangplank, nearly sending everyone into the warm waters of the Diamond Sea.

"Well, if it isn't the whole gang! Stooges," he said by way of greeting to Kairi, Sora, and Riku. "Oh look, it's your twin. Tidus!" Raijin ruffled little E.C.'s hair. "How are ya, Tidus?"

"I'm fine," Tidus grinned.

"Yer parents get back from that world cruise yet?"

"Nah," Tidus shrugged.

"What's that make it, _six years_ now?"

"I dunno."

"How long does it take to see the world? I've seen it all twice already, you know!" He turned to Chappu. "And you, er, um..."

"_Chappu_," Chappu reminded him. He hated it when Uncle Raijin did that, more evidence of the insidious influence of Evil Chappu, how he cursed him!

"I've got a surprise for you!" he looked around and spoke quietly. "But you can't tell your mom, okay?"

"What?" Wakka looked at Uncle Raijin suspiciously. "What you got now?"

"Don't be such a mama's boy," Chappu elbowed him.

"You gonna take that in front of your girlfriend?" Uncle Raijin asked.

"I'm not his girlfriend," Selphie sniffed. "I'm his political advisor. And I also advise that he not be such a mama's boy."

"I got voted student council president!" Wakka said.

"Well that's terrific!" Uncle Raijin said, genuinely impressed.

Wakka introduced Boomer, who looked longingly after Kairi when she left with Sora and Riku. Chappu wandered off on his own, he had a shipment to take care of after all.

He scurried through the back alleys to the appointed drop-off site and picked up a wooden box slightly bigger than a bread box. He opened the top and checked the contents: hundreds of pokémon game cartridges.

"Hee hee hee!" he laughed fiendishly.

The way to the Praetor's house was a tricky one, there were many people on their way to visit him to remove various curses from salvaged items. The ship carried a large collection of artifacts headed for the museum in Burmecia, and for authenticity's sake the museum officials left all the ancient curses in place, just proving to Chappu that scholars were morons.

"_How much?_"

Chappu dove under a handy shrub at the sound.

Vik stood just outside the picket gate with the glowing Scepter of Anubis in his hand. Praetor Baralai calmly swept leaves off his front porch.

"That's _insane!_" Vik shouted.

"I have a kid to feed," Baralai said without looking up. He was completely calm in the face of Vik's fury.

"You seemed able to feed him at the regular price!"

"He's a growing boy. He eats. A _lot_."

"Yeah? Well I've got kids too– _two_ of 'em and _they_ eat way more than your puny little kid!"

"I doubt that."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Flash forward, for a moment, to two weeks later at the Annual Fall Barbecue... 

"But Dad! I can't eat another hot dog!" Riku lay back in the lawn chair, his stomach swollen so far out that he wouldn't be able to see his toes for a couple of days.

"Yes you can!" Baralai said.

"Dad. Coach is gonna... kill me... urp!" Wakka also had a protruding stomach, and he could barely move. "Besides, I can't go... on!"

"Nonsense! You win at every sport!" Vik said.

"Hot dog eating contests aren't sports!" Wakka said as emphatically as he could without fainting.

"Why are we doing this again?" Riku asked drowsily.

"To prove a point!" both father's shouted.

* * *

"I'm not paying that much!" Vik said. 

"Fine. Then stay cursed," Baralai said.

"But there's a mummy after me!"

"Here," the Praetor threw a lighter to Vik. "Mummies are highly flammable, so make sure you don't use that near your home. Good day." He walked into the house and shut the door.

"Rotten, effin', so-and-so," Vik wandered away, swearing under his breath.

Chappu crawled out and ran around to the back door and knocked.

"About time," Baralai whispered, and let the boy into the kitchen.

"Uncle Raijin's in town," Chappu said.

"Oh no. _Him?_"

"You have something against my Uncle?" Chappu said.

"Yeah, my stuff tends to disappear when he's in town," Baralai shot back.

"I'll talk to him," Chappu opened the crate. "New product! What do you think?"

"What are they?"

"Video games!"

"Video games."

"_Addictive_ video games!"

"Uh-huh."

"_Banned _addictive video games!"

"Banned from where?"

"The Republic of Centra banned them because it "teaches children how to summon evil spirits!""

"Evil spirits! I want no part of _that._"

"It's just a video game. Check it out. The Pokémon craze has died down in places like Burmecia and Zanarkand, the trade-in stores and pawn shops are being inundated with this crap, so I bought it off them and intend to resell these on the black market–"

"To innocent children in Centra?" Baralai asked, appalled.

"No. To immature adults who can pay the 400 percent markup!"

"Of course," he picked up one of the cartridges. "These things get smaller and smaller."

"Yeah. Planned obsolescence, isn't it wonderful? This is last year's GameSlave unit, how'd that get in here?" Chappu pulled the handheld console from the box. "This should go with the next shipment."

"Just leave it in there," Baralai said. "It could be used as a bribe somewhere down the line."

"When can I get my cut?"

"I'm leaving for the continent in two weeks," Baralai calculated in his head. "About two months."

"Swell. Until later, then." Chappu shook hands with his secret business partner.

"Chappu?" Baralai stopped him at the door and handed him a couple of tiny vials. "This is for that mummy, if you or your brother should run into it."

"Why Praetor, I'm touched! You don't have to worry about little Chappu." He waggled his eyebrows. Honestly. What was so scary about an undead guy who can hardly move?

"Look, kid, don't get smart with me. Just take them and get out of here before someone sees you and certain aspersions are cast upon my character."

* * *

Tidus could hear Selphie from two blocks away. 

"_Yo quiero se... Anarchia!"_ she screeched while mercilessly scraping at her guitar. She never got to finish the song before Bob and Miriam threw her outside to the relief of everyone in town.

He got to the door just as Bob shoved her out onto the porch and slammed the door.

"Lousy critic," she mumbled, but she looked happy.

"Selphie, you have to spend the night!" Tidus said.

"Uh, what?"

"You know! So we can set a trap for the _vampire!_"

"I thought we established that it was, in fact, a mummy?"

Tidus shook his head and pulled a wrinkled photograph from his pocket.

"Look!" he said. Selphie stared at the dark photograph.

"What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"I took this picture last night, while I was fighting it. I was sure I got a picture! But..."

"Nothing."

"Yeah," Tidus said. He straightened and smiled. "But then I realized that maybe the picture's blank because I took a picture of a _vampire._"

"Again, that's quite a stretch," Selphie said.

"It makes sense," Tidus seemed not to have heard her. "Vampires don't have reflections, so why would they show up in film?"

"But ghosts show up on film," Selphie pointed out.

"Don't be silly, that's just a myth." He clasped his hands together and gave her his best sad-puppy-eyed look. "Please help me, Selphie? _Please?_"

"Ah! No! I've been caught off-guard! Stop! Okay, fine. I'll do it," Selphie conceded. "But you know that Bob and Miriam would never let me sleep over on a school night, much less at a _boy's_ house?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just sneak over as soon as you can."

* * *

**A/N:** I believe the name of the song Selphie is singing is called _Anarchy In The USA_, by the Sex Pistols. I'm not sure, because the english version is definitely called _Anarchy In The UK_. By the way kids, the Sex Pistols sing songs that are very naughty and definitely not for children, so don't let your parents catch you! 


	3. Chapter 3

**No Need For A Sniper Kitten**

**Part III**

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

(Chappu: "Kingdom Hearts? Isn't that an anagram for "Screw Canon?"")

* * *

Chappu looked through the telescope pointed directly into Tidus' living room window. 

"What are you up to now, E.C.?" Chappu muttered. He wrote down in his little notebook: _9:45 PM: subject engaged in ball of yarn with kitten-like life form and accomplice_.

"Chappu? Hey, Chappu, the door's locked!" Wakka pounded on the locked bedroom door. "Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I _don't _know what you're doing in there, but–" Chappu yanked open the bedroom door.

"What?"

"Why'd you lock the door?"

"It was an accident," Chappu said. Wakka spied the telescope on the windowsill.

"Were you spying on Tidus again? Will you stop? People are gonna think you're weird."

"Who's spying on what?" Uncle Raijin wandered into the room.

"It's self-preservation!" Chappu said.

"What?" Uncle Raijin asked.

"Oh, Chappu likes to spy on house next door," Wakka put his hands on his hips and assumed an old-womanish frown of disapproval, "he's got a crazy idea that Tidus is going to replace him."

"You don't know that he's not!" Chappu said.

"Replace you?" Uncle Raijin scratched his head. "You mean like a pod person? That's silly."

"Oh yeah? Then why does he look exactly like me?"

"He doesn't look _that_ much like you," Wakka said hesitantly.

"And these mysterious "parents," why haven't they come back for him? Isn't it just a little _too_ convenient that the creature's caretakers have all vanished?"

"Oh bruther," Wakka sighed. "Here we go again. I don't know why Mom lets you read those Lone Gunmen magazines..."

"He's been studying my mannerisms for years, and creating relationships with everyone on this island. And then one day, he'll just change his name and start wearing my clothes. And then I'd really have to watch my back, because next he'd get rid of me and move into my room. And people would say: 'what happened to that nice little boy who lived next door to–'"

"Aw, nobody could take your place, Chappu, you know?" Uncle Raijin said.

"Yeah, and _nobody_ would ever mistake him for you, you creepy little ginger kid."

"Screw you, brother," Chappu said. "I should figure _you _ wouldn't care too much if he replaced me."

"So what is the little guy up to now?" Uncle Raijin asked, picking up the telescope. "Aww! How cute. He's got a kitty. And look! Your girlfriend's over there."

"What?" Wakka took the telescope and peered through it. "Hey, I wasn't invited," he said with a little hurt in his voice. "And she's not my girlfriend," he added.

"Why not?"

"Selphie? She's just one of the guys."

"Sure, sure," Uncle Raijin said.

"They're up to something," Wakka said. "I better get over there."

"Wait a sec!" Uncle Raijin panicked. "It's after dark! You shouldn't be out there with… with the _mummy_ out there, you know!" Chappu's ears perked up at the way Uncle Raijin hesitated, almost as if he changed what he was going to say at the last minute. "Boys. Shut the door."

It was time for Uncle Raijin's surprise gift, and it was a doozy.

"The Sniper Kitten .38 caliber handgun!" Uncle Raijin held up two little handguns.

"_That's_ the surprise?" Wakka said with distaste.

"_Wicked!_" Chappu stopped sulking and took the handgun.

"Mom'll _kill _you!" Wakka said.

"_Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!_" Chappu jumped up and down.

"Shh! Be very quiet and I'll show you how to load it," Uncle Raijin said.

"I can't believe this! This is terrible–" Wakka practically wrung his hands. Chappu grabbed him by the hair and dragged him down to eye-level.

"_If you mess this up for me– so help me…_" Chappu's voice wasn't even the same, but like a demon's.

"Boys! Stop that," Uncle Raijin commanded. "Quit playing around. Firearms are a very serious matter."

"I'm sorry, Uncle, but I can't have any part in this," Wakka said when Chappu let go of him. "This will only lead to heartache." Wakka left the room, and Uncle Raijin looked wounded.

"Heartache, schmartache," Chappu said, wanting to cheer up his uncle. "Can I have his if he doesn't want it?"

* * *

Tidus shut the curtains and ducked close to the floor. 

"What are you doing?" Selphie asked.

"That weird kid next door's spying on me again," Tidus said.

"What do you mean _again_? How long has this been going on?"

"He's _crazy_. I think he wants to kill me!"

"But that's silly." Selphie picked up Yugi and snuggled her. "He's a wittle silly willy, isn't he?" she asked Yugi. The kitten purred.

Tidus straightened up in alarm.

"Did you hear that? There's someone in the backyard!"

He ran for the back yard with his sword and Selphie followed. She held Yugi just in case that mummy came back.

They opened the door and saw a large shadow struggling in the grass and swearing. Whatever it was, it stepped right into the old wolf trap.

"I've waited a long time for this! Prepare to be staked! _Yaaah_!" Tidus leaped at the shadow. Selphie gasped.

"Tidus! _No!_"

* * *

"And that's how I got twenty-eight stitches in my chest, and this arm sling" Wakka explained to Boomer while they rode on the ferry home the next day. 

"Gosh, Wakka, does it hurt much?"

"No, luckily it's a lot harder to push a sharpened piece of wood through a person's ribs than Tidus realized."

"Do you think you'll be able to play tomorrow?"

On the other side of the ferry, Tidus listened to his best friend complain about him to anyone who'd listen and sighed miserably. Selphie sat with him because she thought Wakka was being a meanie and an idiot. The whole thing was an _accident_. He also got the feeling that she wanted to pet Yugi.

_Girls love baby animals,_ he thought. He'd have to remember that.

"Why do so many bad things happen to me?" Tidus asked the sleepy kitten.

"Can I hold your kitty?" Kairi asked and sat down next to him. "Oh, she's got such pretty wittle eyes!" she cooed. Yugi preened under all the attention, but her ears went back as soon as Boomer came close.

"What a nice-looking cat you have there," he said. Yugi batted at his hand when he tried to pet her.

"What's gotten into you?" Tidus took Yugi back and tried to pet her ruffled fur smooth again.

"_Fssss!_" she hissed at Boomer.

"Probably smells my dog," Boomer laughed nervously. "So Kairi, I was wondering, since we're both in the same history class and everything… uh, would you like to study for the test together today– I mean, uh, Wakka will be there too…"

Sora and Riku thundered up the deck of the ferry from the beverage area came to a screeching halt in front of the group.

"Hey Kairi!" Sora said in a too cheerful voice. "Don't forget, we're going to the Cove today to fix the dock!"

"Yeah!" Riku added in the same voice, "We've been working hard on getting the lumber all week!"

"Oh, I'm going to be busy tonight," Kairi said to Boomer. "Maybe next time."

_Fat chance_, the looks on Sora and Riku's faces said, and also: _We will destroy you!_

"Reowr! _Fsssss!_" Yugi added.

Tidus looked for Wakka again, and saw him arguing with his nutty brother. _Wow, they're really going at it,_ he thought. He saw Chappu stomp on Wakka's instep, still bruised from Tidus' security traps.

* * *

"What a dump!" Selphie declared when they saw the remains of the ship all over the beach. 

"Hey, look! Free figurehead!" Tidus pointed to the ship's figurehead, a mermaid who looked just a tiny bit too provocative, was buried head downward in the sand.

Riku and Sora immediately saw to the shattered dock, clearing away the broken planks while Kairi marked out the new dock's dimensions in the sand with string.

"Be careful around the extension cord, you guys," Kairi warned.

They worked for a couple of hours, until they had a decent-sized pile of scrap wood for a bonfire. Tidus and Selphie went into town to get the marshmallows for later.

"I miss Wakka," Selphie said. "It's just not the same without him. Boomer better smarten up quick." She glanced sideways at Tidus. "Yessir, Wakka'd be a good person to have around in case of vampire attacks."

"Quit making fun of me," Tidus said grumpily.

"Well you were acting pretty paranoid, almost as bad as Chappu. Aren't you satisfied that there is no vampire?"

"I know what I saw," Tidus said.

They went into the Norris Café to purchase several bags of marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers from Paul.

"I heard you stabbed Wakka," he said with concern. "Is everything all right with you two?"

"They're fine," Selphie said. Tidus knew she had a little crush on Paul and so he stood there and let them talk around him while he pet Yugi. It was very reassuring, owning a pet.

He soon got bored with listening to the two of them giggle and started making faces at Selphie.

"Ahoy!" Captain Bikke staggered out of the alley by the café and accosted them. "Heard ye stabbed the little blitzer! And right before the game too! I had money on that game! _Money!_"

"It was an accident!" Tidus cried.

"Yar. Woulda happened sooner or later. Tis t'oldest story in t'world. Two men, one wench– _trouble!_"

Selphie hit him with her jump rope.

* * *

It was nearing sunset and there was a disturbance on the far side of the island... 

"I am so cool!" Chappu sang.

_Blam!_

"I am so cool!"

_Ka-blam!_

Chappu took another shot at the parrots in the trees. He'd been at it all afternoon and he hadn't hit a single one.

"This is harder than it looks," Chappu said. The ammunition was running low already.

"You suck!" one of the parrots screamed at him. The other parrots laughed.

"No, _you suck_!" he yelled back.

The parrots stopped laughing and cocked their heads. Chappu heard a soft singing from the woods.

* * *

"_Tidus the mighty,_

_he is very tiny,_

_with Yugi as his sidekick,_

_fighting with..._"

Yugi, who had kept up with his pace, looked up at him and mewed.

"We'll work on that part later," he said. His hunt for the daytime lair of the vampire wasn't going as fast as he'd hoped without Selphie's help. What kind of friend refused to crawl through the uninhabitable jungle looking for the undead?

Perhaps it was for the best. She was just a girl, and this was a job for... a _man_.

"_He roams around the countryside,_

_he never needs a place to hide,_

_Everybody loves him,_

'_cause he's got a funny grin!"_

"Enough!" Chappu leaped out of the bushes. "I'm _sick_ and _tired_ of hearing about how good and, _blech_, cute everyone thinks you are!"

"Ah! Run Miss Yugi!" The kitten padded up to Chappu and rubbed against his leg. "Miss Yugi! Stop that!"

"So!" Chappu ignored the affectionate kitten. "You've finally decided to make your move. Catch little Chappu alone in the jungle and dispose of him, eh?" Tidus shook in terror when Chappu pulled out a gun. "You're not taking my place, _pod person!_"

"You're _crazy!_" Tidus took a defensive stance. "You won't find me so easy to kill," Tidus said as bravely as he could. He even managed to hold his sword without shaking.

Yugi continued to rub against Chappu, purring very loudly.

"Huh," Chappu took aim. It would be really easy to get rid of the problem... but he didn't even like pointing the gun at the kid. It felt dirty, even Evil.

He reholstered the gun quickly and looked at his watch.

"Well, I'd _like_ to fight with you, kid, but I've got to get home before curfew." Mom would kill him if he missed curfew, but he'd never admit to anybody that he was afraid of his mommy. "What are you doing out here anyway? This is _my_ special place. I oughta kick your ass just for showing your face here."

"I'm looking for the daytime lair of a vampire," Tidus said. He'd have to change his shorts when he got home, but he would rather die than let this maniac know that.

"A vampire? Well that bites," Chappu said without irony.

"You... believe me?"

"Hey, there's a _mummy_ chasing my Dad as we speak!"

* * *

Chappu had no idea that how right he was. 

At that moment, Vik ran through the town square with the mummy hot on his heels. He screamed, leapt onto the windmill, and climbed as fast as he could.

"_Help!_" he screamed at his neighbors, who stood at the doors of their shops to watch the show.

"For gods' sakes, Vik, just pay the Praetor!" Paul yelled.

"No!" he took a swing at the mummy with the Staff of Anubis. "I will not submit to price gouging!"

* * *

"Stay outta my jungle, kid," Chappu said. "Or I'll, uh..." he really wanted to say something cool about shooting him, but it wouldn't come naturally, since there was no way Chappu could shoot a human being. "I'll kidnap your kitty-cat." 

"Not my kitty!" Tidus gasped. She was so little and helpless. This boy was a monster!

"Yeah, and I _hate _cats!" Well, not really. "So you'd better stay away!" He swatted at the kitten. "Shoo, dammit!"

"Come on, Miss Yugi," Tidus picked up the faithful kitten started back the way he came. "What a nut!" he whispered. Yugi waved goodbye to the Boy Who Looked Like Her Boy But Wasn't.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you to Jaymee for your very nice review! Yeah, I love to pick on poor little Tidus, but it's only out of deep affection. :D 

Okay, now I've broken two rules. The one about using song lyrics and the one about responding to reviews (didn't see that one until I logged in to post this, so I guess they can't really blame me.) But I just couldn't resist using the Joxer song. Oh well, I've been wrong before.


	4. Chapter 4

No Need For A Sniper Kitten

Part IV

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

"Feels weird with just the two of us," Selphie said.

"Yeah," Tidus said sadly. Even if Wakka wasn't busy trying to educate Boomer, he was still too mad about the stabbing to be in the same space as Tidus. They sat on Tidus' porch swing and flipped through his comics in a desultory manner.

"We should hold auditions for a replacement," Selphie said. "We'll invite some new friends of our own to come over."

"Nobody wants to come here," Tidus said.

"That's true," Selphie pulled out a small notebook and wrote: "'boost Destiny Island's image' campaign?" She circled it twice and put the notebook away.

"I'm bored."

"I've got an idea. I just got a bunch of illegal fireworks the other day, let's go to the swamp and light 'em!" Selphie hopped to her feet. Just then Riku plodded by, looking unusually innocent. "Hey Riku! We're going to light some fireworks in the swamp! Wanna come?"

"The swamp?" Riku's eyes went all unfocused.

* * *

The lawyer wore a suit so sharp it could cut glass.

"Don't be afraid, young man, no one will accuse you of 'playing favorites,' just pick which one of your parents you'd like to live with," the lawyer checked his buffed nails, "bearing in mind, and this is completely between you and me, that there are tremendous advantages to living with your mother: a superior school system, a better class of neighborhood, unlimited access to the resort, a sports car…"

The lawyer gasped suddenly and struggled with his briefcase, but being unable to work the combination lock in such a state he clutched his chest and fell over at Riku's feet. The boy screamed and the door flew open.

"What did you do?" his father asked.

"I didn't do anything!" Riku said. "Were you listening at the door?"

"That's not important right now, we've got to get rid of the evidence!"

"Evidence of what? Nothing happened, he just _fell over!_"

"Good, keep denying. Keep your story simple," his father scratched his chin. "I've got to make this go away… Get your shoes on, boy, we're going to the swamp. It's time you learned the _real_ facts of life!"

_Six months later…_

Mom's new lawyer landed on the study floor with an expiring gasp, Riku screamed and the door flew open.

"Dammit!" his father said, and he muttered quietly to himself: "Damn metric conversion… Riku, get the hacksaw."

_Six months after that..._

"No! Not again!" Riku grabbed the lawyer on his way to the floor. "_Live, damn you! Liiiiive!_"

The door flew open.

"Aw, _come on!_ Riku, get the special axe. Rrrr, should've invested in a wood chipper..."

* * *

"No…" Riku shivered. "Not the _swamp._ Anything but that!"

"Not even for… black cats?" Selphie waggled her eyebrows.

"I don't know…" Riku his resolve weakened... Selphie pulled a strand of firecrackers out of her pocket. "Well…" he was about to fall, and Selphie threw out the death blow: bottle rockets. "Okay."

"Good. Meetcha guys by the dock, I've got some stuff I wanna blow up." She ran home.

"I don't think cats like fireworks," Riku said as he watched the boy pet his kitten. "They have sensitive ears."

It would be the first time Tidus and Miss Yugi were apart since he found her. The fluffy little thing bounded off the porch and began to stalk some of the lizards in bushes. Okay, so maybe Miss Yugi wouldn't miss him for a couple of hours, and besides, she was protection against the mummy, not the vampire, and the mummy clearly couldn't hang out in the swamp.

"You stay here and guard the house," Tidus said to the kitten. Miss Yugi ate the grass. He spotted what Riku was trying very carefully to conceal behind his back. "Hey! Is that a real sword?"

"What? This old thing?" he held the sword out as if he'd noticed it for the very first time.

"I thought you weren't allowed to have a real one," Tidus said.

"I'm just holding it for someone," Riku said.

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"One of the pirates, you wouldn't know him."

"It's not fair. Everybody's got weapons but me," Tidus said. He closed the gate behind him and the boys headed toward the docks. The kids had an old rowboat there that the adults didn't know about (or so they believed, but that's neither here nor there.) There was no easy way to the swamp over land; the jungle between the town proper and the cove were divided from the mangrove swamp quite effectively.

Once they were safely out of the hearing of any adults Riku leaned over and said out of the side of his mouth: "I know where you can get one."

"One what?"

"A _sword_," Riku hissed. "Or anything you want."

"You stole it from a pirate, didn't you?" Tidus whispered. "You know you could get your hands cut off for that!"

"Pff, I don't believe it," Riku shrugged. "Besides, they keep too close tabs on their possessions, too risky to steal from them. You have to take it from someone who wouldn't miss it." Tidus looked at him blankly. "Someone who receives weapons as gifts every New Year?" Riku prodded.

"_The Mayor?_" Tidus said in horror. "You stole from _The Mayor?_ Are you crazy?"

"It's easy," Riku went on. "There are so many old weapons in the attic that they can't even open the door from inside the house. Someone has to climb in through the roof to get inside."

"You climbed up the Mayor's house," Tidus shook his head. "You must have a death wish. Don't you pay attention to what Dr. Unne says?"

"You mean: 'I wish some little boy would just try and climb up to my daughter's window, so that I could kill them?' Ha! Clearly he's joking."

"That's what Ernie Boothby thought, and nobody's seen him since!"

"He's a _doctor_, they can't hurt people. Besides, _I_ heard that Ernie Boothby moved to the Island of Beautiful Women and changed his name to Ernella."

"And I heard," Selphie poked her head over the lip of the dock, "That Ernie Boothby retired to some naval academy somewhere to be a gardener." A big bundle of various household appliances landed in the rowboat. Riku picked up a plastic lady leg that had fallen out.

"Uh, isn't this Bob's lamp?"

"Yep!"

"But Selphie," Tidus said. "You'll get into huge trouble– he loves that lamp!"

"I think Miriam will back me up on this," Selphie said. She jumped into the boat and looked at the sexy lady leg like it was a captured enemy. "I'm striking a blow for good taste," she said with a smile. Riku put the lamp down and picked through the other items in the sack.

"Bob's singing cowboy wall clock? Bob's tee-shirt with the tux painted on, Bob's old neon beer sign, and Bob's beanbag chair? You can't do this, Selphie, it's a _beanbag chair!_"

"It's tacky."

"Well," he whined as the two warring sides of his psyche tried to determine how to address this problem. He had a highly developed sense of interior style (and if you laugh at him for it, he'll kill you. Oh, not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday when you're sitting around on your ugly couch watching television on the tv stand that doesn't match the oak finish on the coffee table, you'll feel a certain... presence in the room. The temperature will drop and the next thing you know the power will cut out. Frightened, you'll pick up the phone only to find that the line is out, and then... ) But it was a beanbag chair! It was _cool,_ somehow.

"Can I have it?" Tidus asked.

"No. Miriam specifically implied that if I didn't destroy these items very thoroughly Bob would hunt them down and try to drag them back to the house."

"Aw, no!" Tidus pulled out a shapely lady figure from the bag. "Bob's signature hula dancer beer tap! Selphie, I can't take the blame for this! I don't wanna die!"

"You don't have to," Selphie pushed the rowboat away from the dock. "I got it covered. I have been given immunity to perform my duties in this mission. If the lady says 'blow it up' I blows it up! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"

"The cackle might've been overdoing it," Riku said.

"Ah, what do you know?"

* * *

_The Blue Parrot_ was the heart of Destiny Island's "pirate culture," a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and the best place to get shrimp in the world. For obvious reasons they didn't allow minors, but Chappu was always able to bluff his way in by pretending to be a little person– or a midget, if you will. He just had to walk in wearing enough clothes to cover his face and walk a little differently and it was no problem. Most of the regulars knew who he was, but they recognized that he was just one of them– a little corsair-in-training, and they left him alone. Sometimes though, Mom caught him there, the disguise never fooled her.

Today was one of those unlucky days. He was talking to Squinty MacMurray about his end-of-year bonus when she showed up and dragged Squinty out of the booth.

"Alright, pal, you're under arrest," she got up and slammed the frail old man against the floor.

"What fer?" Squinty screamed. She kicked him in the face.

"Help! Help! Police brutality! Ageism!" the old geezer screamed. The pirates pretended not to notice this very public lesson in the power of the Law. Except in clearly outlined situations pirate were never to speak with the minors, _ever._

"Stop it! Stop it! He's already dead!" Chappu cried. The pub got so quiet that they could hear Squinty wheezing on the floor.

"Go home!" Mom yelled at Chappu as she dragged the unconscious man out of the pub.

"But _Mom_!" She gave him… _The Look._ Several pirates who had the misfortune to be looking in that direction went blind. "Fine!" he stomped out of the pub.

"Great, another potentially productive day wasted!" he grumbled. He walked home very slowly and took the long way around– she never said _how fast_ to get there. The evening fog was already starting to form. Of all the times she could've caught him, she had to catch him with his accountant! Gods only knew how many honest ones (honest to a point) were in this world. He'd have to double Squinty's end-of-year bonus for this one.

"_Mrrr?_"

Chappu looked down and saw the tiny little kitten rubbing up against his leg.

"You again? Where's your master? Shoo! Shoo!" He kicked out at the little kitty, but she dodge him and came back to rub against his other leg. She purred loudly. "Stupid cat! Beat it!"

"_Mrrowl!_" the cat jumped onto the back of his shirt and hung on with her tiny little claws.

"Ow! Get off!" He tried to reach the cat, but she was in that spot that you just can't get to no matter how you reach, and she was small enough to miss. All that ineffectual struggling made him feel ridiculous. He considered hissing at the thing, that sometimes worked, but by this point it probably would only make him look really crazy. A shadow appeared in the thickening fog and he hit upon an idea. "Hey! Hey you! Could you help a kid out?" It was best to identify yourself as a kid, that way he wouldn't expose his back to this guy and find a knife at his throat along with a whispered demand for his gil. _That_ would be embarrassing.

The shadow stopped and he ran up to the guy and turned around.

"_Fss!_" the cat spat and dug her claws in.

"Little help here?" Chappu said. The guy laughed. "Yeah, it's cute," Chappu gritted his teeth. The cat yowled and shifted around. "Ouch! Claws!" He tried to reach behind his back to grab the rotten little devil by the tail and throw it into the harbor.

"Steady there, little man," the man reach down and the little cat swiped at him. "Let go you little– _ouch!_" The cat leaped off of Chappu's back and right into the man's face. Chappu took to his heels and left them there. "_Yaah! Arrrghaurgh! My face!_" the man screamed.

"Thanks mister!" he yelled over his shoulder.

* * *

"Woohoo!" Selphie jumped up and down after the bundle of M-80's left a crater in the tree the size of a beach ball. Tidus brushed the splinters out of his hair and tried to pop his ears.

"That poor tree," Riku tsked.

"It's dead," Selphie snorted. "_You_ wanted to blow up fish."

"_Sahagin._ And they're a menace!" he looked at Tidus through narrowed eyes. "They eat _kittens!_"

"I'm sure they'll eat anything," Selphie said.

"Ever wonder why we don't have any cats on this island?"

"You're sick," Selphie muttered.

"Let's light the big one!" Tidus held up the large cardboard wheel with the insanely long fuse. The fog was rolling in and they wouldn't get much of a show if they waited much longer.

"You've read my mind, my boy," she flicked open her zippo lighter and shut it. "Hmm, where should we nail this thing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it spins or something…"

They paddled to one of the mangroves that sat on the edge of the swamp. For some odd reason Riku didn't want to venture too far in, which was fine, because there were too many snakes in there anyway. Selphie _hated_ the snakes.

Riku carefully nailed up the wheel while Tidus pushed the rowboat out just far enough for Selphie to jump into after she lit the fuse.

"Blowing things up makes me happieeeee!" Selphie sang as she lit the fuse and took a running leap into the boat.

A fantastic explosion bloomed in multicolored bursts of flame and smoke. The trees smoked and the water sizzled as the wheel started to spin at an increasing rate.

"That's interesting," Tidus said.

"Just wait till it gets to the middle!" Selphie said "I made a few alterations."

Both boys dove for the oars and started to pull away from the swamp as if their lives depended on it.

A blinding flash soon followed and Selphie giggled as the colored flame geysered outwards _way_ beyond the intended range of the device. Several trees caught fire and a huge flock of birds abandoned the swamp altogether in search of safer perches.

"Selphie," Tidus looked at the swamp in horror. "You set the swamp on _fire_!"

"It'll go out, it's struggling as it is and the rain should take care of it," Riku said, "But we'd better get out of here in case someone comes to check it out."

"Ah. Now that Selphie's finally gone and done it, I feel so much better," Tidus said.

"Finally done _what?_" Selphie asked.

"You have to admit it, we all expected you to burn down _something_... What? Am I wrong?" Selphie was giving him the skunk eye.

"He's right," Riku said.

"Oh, nobody asked _you_," she huffed.

* * *

A/N: What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. 


	5. Chapter 5

No Need For A Sniper Kitten

Part V

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

There was one more explosion, unexpected and more destructive and colorful than any of them had ever seen from amateur fireworks. All three of them were caught in a spray of splinters and flame, Tidus got the worst of it.

"Everyone okay?" Selphie asked, gingerly she brushed the kindling out of her hair.

"Eh, it's no big deal," Riku shrugged. Blood spurted from the cut over his eye.

"Looks like a big deal," Selphie said.

"It's not."

"Ouch! _Ouch!_" Tidus whined. He felt like a wooden porcupine.

"The skin's peeling away!" Selphie argued.

"No. No. It's nothing," Riku said airily.

"Your arms are blistering."

"I heal fast."

"Can somebody pull the splinters out of my legs? I don't think I should move," Tidus said.

"At least bandage up your hand. That looks like a _lot_ of blood– _hey, your finger fell off_," Selphie said.

"It's just a little blood, and it didn't _fall off,_ there's some skin holding it on," Riku stuck his bloody fingers in his mouth. "Mmmm, the life of the body is in the bloooood." He waved his bloody fingers in front of her face.

"Stop that. Quit it! I'm warning you…"

"What? I'm not touching you…"

"The cops!" Tidus pointed to the ship approaching from the distance.

"I can't go to jail!" Selphie and Riku said at once. Selphie had a nightmarish vision of herself wearing a military school uniform and crawling under barbed wire with a bunch of other girls with names like Killer and Moe. Riku's nightmarish vision ran more along the lines of yodeling classes, luge lessons, and an endless succession of barely legal ski instructors wanting to become his friend.

"Fire in the hole," Selphie squeaked.

"Sock hats," Riku added.

"Snakes be damned! Into the swamp!" Selphie cried and took up the oars.

The children paddled their boat through the mangroves. The sirens made them jittery.

"Ouch."

"Stop picking at them," Selphie said to Tidus.

"They're _itchy._ And they have to come out or I'll get an _infection,_" he argued. Riku plucked a particularly nasty-looking sliver from the little boy's arm. "Ouch! Don't do that!" There, he'd said the magic words that dig into a person's sadistic streak no matter how far they buried it under a veneer of compassion. "Ouch! _Cut it out!_" Tidus poked Riku's scabbed, seeping cut. Riku jabbed Tidus in the back, and Tidus tried to bite Riku.

"Stop fighting. Stop fighting!" Selphie grabbed the sides of the rocking boat. "We're supposed to be getting away from the cops! Quit that!"

The rowboat capsized just then, dumping the children into waist-deep, cold, fetid water.

"Idiots!" Selphie yelled at the boys. The boys both claimed innocence. "Urgh! I hate you both," she grumbled.

"You don't mean that," Tidus fluttered his eyelashes.

"Yes I do!" Selphie crossed her arms. The sirens started up again and she assumed a hunted look.

"Follow me," Riku said. "Leave the boat."

"They'll trace it back to us," Selphie argued. "With hairs and fibers! Law and Order! CSI!"

"They have no reason to think we were even out here," Riku said as they slogged along. "We'd need alibi's. Simple alibi's and some eye witnesses…"

"Eep," Tidus picked up a bit of floating detritus, turned it over and saw the empty sockets of the human skull.

"What?" Selphie asked. Tidus threw the skull into the bushes.

"Nothing."

* * *

"Doc? Sir?"

"Hmm?" Dr. Unne pulled the final splinter out of Tidus' face. It didn't look like he was listening, but everyone knew that he had great recall– especially when you were hoping he hadn't been listening.

"Do you know anything about vampires?"

"Nasty creatures. I don't abide them," Dr. Unne said.

"So you believe in them?" He asked hopefully.

"Does this have anything to do with why you stabbed your little friend?"

"Uhhh," Tidus trailed off into an embarrassed silence.

"My dear boy," Dr. Unne slapped another bandage over the leaking cut across Tidus' nose, "Everyone knows that token minorities don't get 'vampirized.' What you need to look for in a vampire are the obvious signs: thirst for blood, pale skin, and a tendency to wander around at night. It's just that easy."

"I know," Tidus hung his head. It was then that the metaphorical light bulb went on.

_"It's just a little blood... Mmmm, the life of the body is in the bloooood."_

"My god, you're _right_ doctor!" Tidus said with an ironclad certainty.

"Well, I _am_ a genius," Dr. Unne agreed.

"_Riku_ is a _vampire_!"

Dr. Unne opened his mouth to say something, and then shut it.

It made perfect sense, Riku was a vampire, probably a new vampire. He and the visiting vampire fed on traveling salesmen and threw the remains into the swamp. _Brilliant thinking,_ Tidus congratulated himself.

"We'll have to kill him."

"Honey!" Dr. Unne called. "Could you come here a moment?"

* * *

The Mayor gave Tidus some carrot cake and listened to his theory quietly. She smiled indulgently and ruffled his hair.

"Listen, silly," she said. "There aren't any vampires on the island– this is the tropics! Terrible place to live if you can't handle sunlight."

"I _know_–"

"Unless you're a _day walker_," she said darkly. "But I'm _pretty_ sure that Riku's not one of those. And as for drinking blood, who hasn't ingested a little blood? I've done it once or twice."

"You have?"

"Sure, it's a tradition back in the old country. And as for that 'ghostly pallor' as you call it, he just has fair skin and probably wears sunscreen. He's a practical boy. It may be surprising to you, but for some of us there is no tan– just a severe _burn._"

Tidus' brain cells crashed into each other and furiously climbed the walls only to meet and crash into each other again.

"I gotta go!" he hopped off of the barstool and backed towards the door.

"Feel better, sweetie?" she towered over him and smiled. The Mayor was a big lady, but it never gave him the _creeps_ before. At this moment, her canines looked a little _too_ long from his perspective. "It's getting dark out, do you want me to walk you home?"

"That's okay," he said. "Uh, then I'd have to walk _you_ home. Ha ha. We'd be going back and forth all night."

"Why don't you stay the night? You're welcome to the couch any time you know– what's the matter?"

"I can't stay," he said cagily. "I have to… feed my cat!"

"Cats are independent, Tidus," she stroked his cheek. "I think she'll be fine. Oh, look, you're bleeding." She wiped the trickle of blood away and put her finger in her mouth.

Tidus screamed and tore out of the house.

He did not see the Mayor laughing as he did so.

"Well?" Dr. Unne poked his head out of the living room where he and Kairi were watching _Doctor Giggle's Most Tragic/Comic Home Videos._ "Everything okay?"

"Messing with kids' heads. It's so much fun," the Mayor giggled. Dr. Unne frowned and hoped that he wouldn't have to attend to another stabbing.

* * *

Chappu had enough. He couldn't sleep with that little brat throwing rocks at his window all night. It would mean getting involved with his brother's (_yech)_ bizarre love-triangle, but dammit, he was tired. Another half-hour of _tap-tap-tap-tap_ and he'd have no choice but to kill E.C.

He stomped to the window and threw it open.

"_Whaddayawant!_" Chappu snarled.

"Not _you_!" Tidus hissed.

"Well, ya got me! Dumdum refuses to have anything to do with you!"

"But this is _important!_"

"So was last night's game!" Chappu shot back. "Do you know how many death threats we've gotten?" Not that they were serious death threats, just a bunch of gambling addicts making idle comments.

"But this is _life or death!_" Chappu shook his middle finger at him. "There are more vampires than I thought! And Riku's one of them!"

"Yeah? I sort of figured it was something like that," Chappu yawned.

"And the Mayor too!"

"_What?_ Whatchoo talkin' about, Tidus?"

"She's a bloodsucking creature of the _night!_"

Not his sweet, beloved Mayor! The little bastard had gone too far.

"You take that back!" Chappu snarled and hurled an old cast-iron bookend at the kid. It missed blondie so Chappu threw the other one… and missed him again.

"Ha-ha! Missed me, Captain Suckatude!" Tidus picked up another handful of rocks, bigger rocks this time, and threw them at Chappu.

The noise should've woken up Wakka, probably only faking sleep, the big jerk. But he couldn't pretend after a golf-ball sized stone clattered through the window and bounced off his head. Wakka growled and rolled out of bed.

"Be right back." He ran downstairs. Chappu threw their Pac-Man clock radio and nailed E.C. in the knee. A rock glanced off of Chappu's chin. Wakka ran back into the room with the watermelon they were saving for dessert tomorrow. Wakka set up for a one-handed throw, and hurled the watermelon. The fruit hit E.C. dead center. Chappu shrieked with laughter, watermelon dripped down E.C.'s face.

Tidus grimaced, picked up the previously thrown bookend and flung it back.

But the kid didn't have Wakka's throwing arm, or _any_ kind of throwing arm. What followed was the silvery tinkle of glass, and a loudly screamed expletive.

The boys all got that wide-eyed 'what in the Nine Hells do I think I'm doing?' look, followed by a frantic 'What do I do? _What do I do?_' side-to-side sort of gape. Fortunately, they were saved by a predictable complication of events.

"_Grurrr!_" the mummy stumbled through the fence and shambled towards the house.

"Yes!" Chappu shouted with joy. "We're off the hook!" But he had unfinished business. "You stay right there, you whiny bitch!" Chappu jabbed a finger at Tidus. "I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild!" He always wanted to use that phrase.

"Anytime, Jackass!" Tidus was frenetic by this point.

"You just wait–"

"What are you waiting for? Huh?" Tidus called back. "Let's go!"

Chappu knocked Wakka over on the way to the door, jumped down the stairs three at a time, and flung open the front door. Uncle Raijin stood by the gate with a suspicious looking bag.

"It was just sitting there!" Uncle Raijin said automatically.

"Uncle, do you have a tire iron you could spare?" Chappu asked.

"Oh. Sure!"

There were screams and a crash as the mummy climbed into the window, just as it had that first night.

* * *

A/N: According to family legend, one of my uncles had a serious misadventure involving his hand and a lawnmower blade. One of his fingers was so deeply cut that it looked like it was about to fall off! Did he make a sound? Nah, it was no big deal to him.

And that's when we knew he was crazy.


End file.
